On M.m.a. #4

My Father

This last entry on m.m.a. comes from some degree of psychoanalysis—due to my distrust in everything and anything Fruedian, I’m not convinced of its truth. Nonetheless, in hindsight, m.m.a. seems to be an important aspect in my life with roots that go back to my father (biological). As a child, for better or worse, I was terrified of him to the point of silence and hesitation in his presence (even without his presence with the idea that he was somehow observing). As I grew up, this molded into a tendency to submit to authority, of any kind. I justifiably grew to hate this attribute of myself. Consistent with the idea that this characteristic reflected my father, I could not help but think that the tendency was based on physical intimidation. Learning how to fight, beyond petty altercations with peers, was in many ways therapeutic. It was a call to be a better, more independent and confident person—to speak and act as my mind sees fit and bear the consequences of any individual who disagrees with force, namely my father. It was perhaps no surprise then that the first time I ever stood up to my father verbally was over whether or not I would continue boxing. In a completely rational society, the use of physical force would be unnecessary. Unfortunately, we do not live in such a society. Knowing that I don’t have to limit my actions to conform to the irrationality of others is, for me, the best aspect to m.m.a.